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Tomorrow, FXX begins its day marathon of every Simpsons episode ever.
This is in itself a monumental and staggering challenge, and we have already produced a guide on how to handle it. But this revived Simpsons mania led me down an even deeper, darker garden path: an effort to painstakingly catalogue the funniest line spoken by every important Simpsons character, from the five main family members to the recesses of the vast recurring cast.
Every choice is, of course, utterly definitive, and I'm sure no one will have any objections to them. But I have annotated most of them just in case there is debate. Read on, hopefully with a mix of horror and delight.
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This quiet exchange in the middle of the Stonecutters episode has long been a personal favorite]. Aim low. Aim so low no one will even care if you succeed. Dinner's in the oven.
If you want some butter it's under my face. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one. It means lamb! Lamb of God! You're Gimbels! I thought they closed that place down! I could fill an article with his lines].
They're all pretty much the same.
It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil! Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me" — Grade School Confidential Season 8, Episode 19after witnessing a makeout session in a janitor's closet. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you.
I mean, I think I'm dying. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt I can't compete with that stuff. Don't you even know dignity when you see it?
We didn't all go to Gudger College. Well, replace the word 'kinda' with the word 'repeatedly,' and the word 'dog' with 'son. It's impossible]. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!
Dignity Season 12, Episode 5as pudding is hurled at his eye. I mean The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be Thanks to his job on the show, Kent is one of the best sources of one-liners].
It's a perfectly cromulent word. The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children! It is shaped like Mary Worth. I even wrote theme music, listen! Professor Frink, Professor Frink, he'll make you laugh, he'll make you think, he likes to run, and then the thing, with the Gotta nuke somethin'.
The greatest line every 'simpsons' character ever delivered
And to show you we're serious… you have 12 hours. Get the ugly kid a platter of the red crap-a! I've been living in there! I only had two payments left! Remember his rusty Colecovisions]. Pick me, Teacher! I'm ever so smart! I'm full of chocolate! No, that's too big. Burns, Part 2 Season 7, Episode 1inspecting a catatonic Mr.
OH no! Officially Matt Groening's least favorite character].
Either way your planet is doomed. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. My planet needs me.
If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me. The ex-husband strikes again!
The goggles do nothing! Endless thanks to Joe Reid and my Twitter followers in helping me compile this maddening project.
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